M4 - Day 1
5:00 am - Phone alarm goes off. I roll over, look at the phone, and stuff the blankets in my ears.
5:05 am - Alarm clock #2. Reflexes take over and I shut it off before the third beep. I flip onto my back and stare at the ceiling. There is nothing I want more in the world than to stay horizontal.
5:07 am - Phone alarm goes off again. Oh fuck it. Stumble to bathroom to grab toothbrush and wander blindly around kitchen making coffee while brushing my teeth. Slap together a PBJ, grab some snacks and toss them into a bag along with gym clothes and some gum.
5:15 am - What it would be like if I just didn’t show up. A renegade med student…would they kick me out? Would I get another chance? Fantasies of playing hooky cloud my vision. I could be at the airport in 20 minutes, I think, as I shove my body into clothes that don’t fit right. The familiar self-critique starts and grows until it fills my head: You eat too much, you’re too big, your clothes are too tight, what the hell are other people going to think when they see you, etc. There’s a pressure behind my eyes and I pop a prophy Aleve. I strip off the dress shirt that overnight has become too small, exchanging it for a large sweater.
5:20 am - Put my hair up and throw in contact lenses. I lean in close until my face fills the mirror: Eyes are red and puffy, hair is nappy but passable, skin is clear as usual. Grab some eyeliner and run it under my eyes, in keeping with my promise to myself that I’ll try to make an effort with this body. Stepping back I do a once-over of my head and switch off the light before my eyes have a chance to skip below my neck.
5:25 am - Find white coat and start filling it with various medical-looking stuff. I take a swig of coffee and savor the warm, bitter liquid as it passes over my tongue, through my esophagus and into my stomach. Before the next sip I gather my collection of daily pills: Vitamin D pill and a probiotic (which look like gems); calcium and a Flinstones pill (which look like stones). A gulp and a swallow and they go into my gut where they’re supposed to heal my stress fractures, regulate my intestines and make me whole again. Oddly enough this makes me feel better. Healthier. Like I’m finally doing something good for myself.
5:30 am - Ooh yeaaaaah…Coffee is beautiful! LIFE is beautiful! I start to think maybe this ORTHO month will be beautiful! Goddamn I love caffeine.
5:40 am - Grab my bags and head towards the door. Pause to light incence in front of ghandapati statue: “Please don’t let me fuck up. Please keep me sane.” Translation: Please help me not become an out of control fat pig. Give me the strength to not eat like crazy. Oh yeah, and here’s to hoping that Day 1 of 4th year goes well.
…Here we go for Round 2.
