Reih7’s Weblog

Lately I’ve started referring to myself in the third person in my head:

“Rei wakes up, streatches and gets out of bed.”

“Rei does lunch.”

“Rei writes. And pretends to study at the same time.”

…Don’t know when it started, but it’s kind of entertaining. Just feeding the fantasy of my life being a movie.  

Other mind games I play:

- What Disease Do I Have Today?: Is my twitchy thumb because I have MS? Does my dry cough herald a viral dilated cardiomyopathy? Do I have an optic neuritis because my eye feels funny? It’s a ton of fun because one of these will occupy my head at any given time and I’ll have a running mental monologue of “Sigh. Sucks to have optic neuritis.”…right.

- Why Don’t I Get Interviews?: The tragic mishap on my application? Or the (much more heavily weighted) lack of AOA status? Perhaps the late timing of getting it all in…either way, I wish they’d just say “Yes” or “No” instead of no response at all. I don’t want to deal with living in mom and dad’s basement but I fear it may come to that.

- Will I Be Punished for Being Sick?: I get scared that the bout with anorexia built up a lot of bad karma. C’mon; I lied to everyone who cared about me, turned very very selfish and spent a lot of time and energy on all of this. There’s no doubt that it still affects me. The night I turned in my app? I was freaking out cause I was eating too much. Did that hinder my proof-reading ability; break my concentration? … very, very likely. And this is a constant theme. I get… scared. That I won’t match, and it’ll be FATE trying to tell me that I’m not ready to match. What do I think? I think I’m getting there. I’ve made marked improvement over the last 6 months or so and…I can do it. What I mean is, I can concentrate on myself, re-learn healthy habits, engage in some much-needed therapy and fix this in the remaining 6 months of freedom. I can, I can, I can.

Enough. USMLEWorld awaits.