Reih7’s Weblog

Things Too Pathetic For Me To Do When Alone On NYE:

1) Write about my crazy thoughts that rattle in my head and make tears appear at odd times, such as when driving, showering, or sleeping.
2) Cry over said thoughts.
3) Drink alone.
4) Work on work.

Things I’ve Allowed Myself To Do On NYE ‘08:
1) Buy belated Christmas gifts.
2) Paint my nails an electric blue.
3) Watch old sitcoms.

The shame is hardly my own…I had a great day today. After a fitfull night of insomnia and haunting dreams I went on a 5 mile run, then spent the morning at the spa with my mom and sister getting pedicures and shooting the shit. My toe nails are now the same aquamarine as my walls.

Dad came with us for lunch at the middle eastern place, and I was off again to see a high school friend who I haven’t seen in 5+ years. We met up at the coffee house we all hung out at in high school, which probably spawned my love of all independent coffee houses forevermore. The walls were still decorated with graffiti and patron art, names decades old were etched in familiar tables, local rock pumped through the shaky speakers. We sat at a table and talked about everything that had happened to us over the last few years and it was so…therapeutic. I worried that perhaps I was talking too much, making my life sound too tragic (“Well, I had cancer, then my uncle had renal cancer and had a bowel perf and, oh yeah, did I mention my grandma?”)… I did ask a ton of questions about my friends life, upcoming wedding, etc….it was a bubblebath of a conversation and

On the way home I picked up beans so dad and I could make a new black bean and corn salsa recipe that he’d found. Mom was being mooder that her usual, so my dad and I, later joined by my sister, played tricks in the kitchen and made some punch on the side.

My parents’ guests came in around 6:00 and us daughters had promised to make “cameo appearances.” We met, greeted, laughed, and then we both went off; she back to college for dinner and drinks, me back to my place for…this, I guess.

No, I don’t mind. This is the first new years that I’ve spent alone and I actually don’t mind at all. I have a standing offer to go to the wine bar downtown, but then I think of how complicated it would get, what with half (no, make that 5/6ths) of the people there being people who knew me in a former life and decided to move on without.

So…I’m here, in my old Stanford sweatshirt, smelling like lemon salt and with killer nails, typing out an entry that, no matter how hard I try, is starting to sound like I’m justifying my decision.

No, no, I’m not doing anything of the sort. I’m just documenting this year, this moment, and recognizing that THIS year I have taken time for myself and grown in ways more than just physical. If ever I had a year to celebrate and make resolutions for, it would surely be this one. The weight gain, the deciding on a career, the reconciliations with friends and family…it’s been…wild. More than wild. Out. of. fucking. CONTROL.

So now that I have a basis for making more solid resolutions than to “have a great year”, here they are:
1) Continue to work on myself.
2) Continue to stay somewhat sane.
3) Resolve things with my mother, and in some ways, my father.
4) Learn to be completely independent and responsible.
5) Pack away my past, and move on to the future.

So yes, bring it 2009. Because after 2008, 2007, 2006, and 2005, I’ve had my fill. Knock me down but I will get up again. Give me gifts and I will remember the past and cherish them even more. Whatever’s in the future, I am so ready for it. Bring it bitches, because I’m not going down yet.